This entry is part 4 of 4 in the series Commander With A Comedian

378127_10150441621792624_1477312954_nI feel like my reputation for blue-bashing is getting a little bit out of hand. I mean, I obviously would play Vexing Shusher as my general if anyone would let me, and I clearly think that Cavern of Souls is the greatest land ever printed. But that doesn’t mean that I hate blue. To the contrary, I used to be quite the blue player (and by that I mean my Jhoira deck had a lot of counter spells) until I got disillusioned (see, that’s a funny joke because blue plays illusions) and gave it up for redder pastures.

But sometimes I still get the itch to build a solid blue deck. So, in memoriam of my time as a blue player (and to prevent the readers who still play blue from hating me forever) I would like to present to you the top ten blue decks I desperately wish I could build.

And also the reasons that I should never be allowed to touch them.

Oh, It's a top ten list! I love top ten lists! I read Cosmopolitan specifically for all their lovely lists!

Oh, It’s a top ten list! I love top ten lists! I read Cosmopolitan specifically for all their lovely lists!

Jeleva, Nephalia’s Scourge

I recently helped my friend design and build his Jeleva deck, and she is awesome! She’s like the Kaalia of big spells, letting you throw around cards like Army of the Damned or Cruel Ultimatum way before you have any right to. And if you don’t have an awesome spell exiled, you can always steal an opponent’s Momentous Fall or Identity Crisis and watch as they desperately scramble to stop their own card from burying them. Add in the great value inherent in grixis spellslinging decks (cards like Slave of Bolas, Prophetic Bolt, and Lim-Dul’s Vault make me smile in the pants) and you have a deck that can hold its own, with or without its general.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things 

I used to have an aggressive Lyzolda, the Blood Witch deck that would destroy my opponent’s board and hand before swinging in for the kill with value threats. Some opponents would complain that it felt like they couldn’t even play, and that they were just sitting and waiting for me to finish swinging at them until they died.

Can you imagine how much more miserable they would have been if I replaced every creature in that deck with blue spells?  I would not be making too many new friends.

Maelstrom Wanderer

SPIN THE WHEEL! Maelstrom Wanderer is a dream for ramp players. He’s a haste enabling beater who can get you extra turns, more fatties, board wipes, and basically any other kind of card you can find that costs seven mana or less. He rewards you for recasting him and never has to wait to attack, and if all else fails you can just cast all the huge cards you were planning on cascading into. I consider this beast (or elemental, whatever) to easily be in the top ten of all generals in terms of power level.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

I present to you, exhibit A: http://www.commandercast.com/vexing-devils-advocate-3-maelstrom-wanderer

If I had to spend an entire article defending it from internet hate, than it will probably cause considerable grief if I get my grubby little hands on it.  It’s best for me to leave him for other players to enjoy.

Venser, Shaper Savant

I have a somewhat unhealthy fan-love for teleporters. Seriously, I kind of even liked the movie Jumper. I liked the teleporting parts of Transformers 2. I cried when Nightcrawler died in the X-Men comics.

Cyclops did too, but he was way more of a show off about it.

Cyclops did too, but he was way more of a show off about it.

You get the point, I have a fixation. So when Magic decided to introduce a character whose entire shtick is the ability ‘port himself and others, I was very excited. When they decided to give him some of my favourite art on a Magic card to date, I was even more pleased (do not speak of the From the Vaults art to me, or I swear I’ll bite your face). When they then gave him an awesome and versatile ability that could counter spells that were supposedly not able to be countered, I jumped up and did a heel click. He’s a pet card of mine, and I like him so much that I still have him sitting front and center in my binder.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

I play Venser, I bounce your land.

I Crystal Shard Venser back to my hand. I replay him. I bounce your land.

I play a kicked Rite of Replication on Venser, I bounce all of your lands!

I BOUNCE YOUR LANDS!

BOUNCE YOUR LANDS!

BOUNCE LANDS!

BOUNCE!

*The author of this article has suffered from a meltdown related to douchiness-overload. Please wait while we administer the appropriate medications.

Lazav, Dimir Mastermind

Mill is an awful strategy. The mill cards that have been printed can barely take out a sixty card deck, yet alone a hundred card EDH monstrosity. And yet every now and again, they print a card that makes it seem like this underdog could go the distance.

Lazav is the premier of those cards, in my humble opinion. He gives you value and incentive for dropping cards into your opponent’s graveyards, and has one of the most powerful keywords you can put on a general. Lazav provides an all important secondary win condition for a mill deck, and does while looking disturbingly like Emperor Palpatine.

Appropriate, given that he is trying to tempt me to the dark side. Man, that was some low hanging fruit.

Appropriate, given that he is trying to tempt me to the dark side. Man, that was some low hanging fruit.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

Mill is pretty good at putting cards into graveyards. You know what’s also good at that? Counter spells and discard. It would only take a few test games for me to entirely shift my pet mill deck into classic dimir control build that happens to have a Consuming Aberration in it. Not exactly an enjoyable deck to sit across from.

Prime Speaker Zegana

This card was tailor made for ramp players who wanted more value. Nothing is better for a rampy deck than refilling your hand after you’ve dumped a hilariously large amount of land. Zegana gives you a reliable and powerful way to do that, and she can double as a win condition if your opponent doesn’t have removal. She is also a card that rewards you massively for playing her on a developed board, making overextending with her nearly impossible. She’s quite simply my favourite simic general.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

Because no Zegana deck is complete without a Deadeye Navigator, and you can go ahead and tune in to last week’s episode of Rivals’ Duel if you want to hear why I think that card is no fun (Hooray, shameless self promotion! Ugh, I’m such a whore.)

The Mimeoplasm

People who know about my Timmy side are painfully aware of just how much I like to cast big dramatic spells way before I should be able to. My first EDH deck was Braids, Conjurer Adept. My first good deck was Jhoira of the Ghitu. My first precon was Kaalia of the Vast, a deck which I am rebuilding now. I like to make big creatures really fast.

And nothing does big creatures quickly like a classic reanimator deck. And no one does reanimator as well as Mimeoplasm. He has access to green and black, he himself is a suped-up reanimation spell, and he has a bloody tyrannosaurus for an arm. He just rocks.

And Grimlock taught us that everything is cooler when you add Tyrannosaurus.

And Grimlock taught us that everything is cooler when you add a Tyrannosaurus.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

There is a decent build of Mimeoplasm online that can semi-reliably win on turns one to three, without me adding to it or tuning it. There is nobody on the planet who will benefit from me taking a closer and harder look at that deck, so we are just going to go ahead and move on before someone gets hurt.

Mistform Ultimus

It’s tribal everything! A voltron deck that can play every blue lord! It gets value out of Obsidian Battle-Axe and Swarmyard! I can play every prowl card! Mishra’s Factory pumps it! Cavern of Souls naming anything! If you don’t think that Mistform Ultimus is the coolest cat ever (it’s technically a cat type!) than you are just quantifiably wrong. I could prove it with science.

I could also break bad with science and cook a bunch of blue meth, but that's neither here nor there.

I could also break bad with science and cook a bunch of blue meth, but that’s neither here nor there.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

Mistform may be the coolest mono-blue deck ever, but it’s still definitely a mono-blue deck. All those cute interactions may be fun, but they aren’t going to be what win you games in the long run. Well timed Force of wills and Cryptic Commands are going to be what win you the game, after you follow them up with Time Warp. And that is just so much less cool than what Mistform promises in his text box.

Ruhan of the Fomori

Despite my well known and throbbing hate-on for blue, I actually think raka is one of the coolest colour combinations out there. That you are taking the two colours that best express order and pairing them with the colour of chaos means you end up with a weird, sideways deck that is able to come at you from multiple angles and has a card for every occasion.

Nothing embodies that fun oddball style to me more than Ruhan. In 1v1, he is just a 7/7 for four (just saying that made me a little bit giggly). And in multiplayer he becomes the most fun and exciting general at the table, throwing the unexpected and unpredictable into the game at every one of your combat steps.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

Of all the decks on this list, goat mace is probably the least offensive. I know that the deck will just turn into american control that uses its big general as a finisher, but that’s way less nasty than the Lazav control deck from earlier in this list. Mostly I am afraid that Ruhan will break the floodgates on my blue sobriety, causing me to drown in waves of counter spells and extra turns. I hold back from Ruhan because if I play him and reacquire all my blue staples, it is that much easier for me to just drop the white and remake Jhoira.

Rafiq of the Many

There is nothing more infuriating to me than the fact that the general that gives your creatures double strike has a blue mana symbol in his cost, when it’s the least blue ability on the planet.

Why!? There were Boros cards in the same block! GRAAAAAAAGH!!!! I WANT TO GIVE MY THRUN, THE LAST TROLL DOUBLE STRIKE, DAMMIT!

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

A Rafiq shotgun deck functions very much like my Proshh deck, except that Rafiq is even easier to get out and can counter my opponent’s answers with blue spells. And he benefits from running even stronger cards and creatures that are huge with or without the general on board. And he can make use of a full equipment package. And extra turns.

My Prossh deck already wins a stupid number of games, thank you very much. I don’t need to escalate it any more than I have.

Jhoira of the Ghitu

Sigh.

You never forget your first. And they have only released more and more powerful cards to put into her. Izzet Charm’s versatility is insane, Enter the Infinite is busted, and Ral Zarek would be stunning in his utility.

I hear you, man.

I hear you, man.

Man, and I haven’t smashed away everyone’s lands in forever. Maybe I could just make a list…

NO! BAD ERIC! THAT IS A BAD, BAD NERD! YOU GET AWAY FROM GATHERER, YOU MISBEHAVING SCOUNDREL!!!

Sigh.

Why Eric Can’t Have Nice Things

Hahahahaha!!! Bahahahaha, hehehehe, muwahahahahahahaha!!!

Oh jeez… Aaaaaah… That’s funny.

Why!? Why would someone think this was a good idea!?

I’m just going to leave this here for your consideration.

When Eric isn’t laughing madly at his keyboard, you can find him on Rivals’ Duel with Nole Clauson. You can also get a hold of him in the comments below and through his twitter @ThatBonvieGuy. Or through email at EricBonvie@gmail.com

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