378127_10150441621792624_1477312954_nLet’s face it, everyone one of us has wanted to make a Magic card. We’ve all thought that there was some aspect of the game that would be improved by a contribution of our imagination. I think that a one drop red instant that goes through all opponent’s decks and exiles every blue card is a great idea, and perfectly balanced too. Ninety percent of the time the thing would just be eating a Force of Will anyway.

However, where I can only fantasize (it would be called “Eric’s Obscene Gesture” and it would be a fifty cent uncommon), other people actually get to live the dream.

A recent batch of M15 cards have been spoiled that were all designed by celebrity players. Now, none of these guys are as petty or vindictive as I am, so it’s unlikely that they designed cards just so they could use them to fill a niche slot in their EDH decks. Right?

WRONG! I well spend this article looking at these celebrity cards, and then baselessly accusing their designers of playing favourites for specific commanders. Because if the internet is good for one thing, it’s people loudly screaming opinions that have no basis in fact.

Remember kids, when feeding your hydra it is important to make sure you have one food bowl for every head. Otherwise the hungry head will tear off your flesh and gorge itself on your organs!

Remember kids, when feeding your hydra it is important to make sure you have one food bowl for every head. Otherwise the hungry head will tear off your flesh and gorge itself on your organs!

The first designer card spoiled was made by the creator of Plants vs. Zombies, and from this card we can clearly see that he has picked a side in that particular fight. Mr. Fan has gone with the side of fauna, but what general did he have in mind when he bred a Genesis Wave with a nearby grass snake?

Why, Omnath, Locus of Mana of course! What better way to maintain a anti-zombie societal system then to use a bunch of stored green mana to dump out a giant hydra, then search through your deck for your best permanent? We’re on to your tricks, Mr. Fan. Your reprehensible hate crimes towards the living-impaired¬†will not go unpunished!

If you aren't doing it with high yield nuclear weaponry, then you aren't mining aggressively enough.

If you aren’t doing it with high yield nuclear weaponry, then you aren’t mining aggressively enough.

This card was thought up by Notch, the designer of Minecraft. Which you probably figured, because it’s a card about mining. It even says mining right there in the name, see? I believe that it might be a pun, but it’s just so clever and subtle that it’s easy to miss.

But what was Notch planning to do with this card, other than to make sure there was no doubt in your mind that he designed it? I propose that he planned this card to be destined for a Borborygmos Enraged deck, where he could use various means to get his sacrificed lands back from his graveyard and throw them at his opponent’s face for buckets of damage. Not to mention all the lands he could draw off of the cards ability. Nefarious, Notch. Very Nefarious.

 

Must hold on... To the amulet... For the value...

Must hold on… To the amulet… For the value…

Ah yes, this little gem. The guys at Penny Arcade, who leveraged their fame in order to found their own charity organization, designed a card called “greed necklace”. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the sweet irony.

Done? Good, Because I know exactly which general is meant to wear this jewellery. It’s none other than Zedruu the Greathearted! It’s a perfect card for this deck! If you control it, you’re drawing cards. If they control it, you’re drawing cards. The general even fits in with the designer’s modus operandi, giving things to other people completely for free. If this isn’t destined to belong in a Zedruu deck, I don’t know what is.

It's blue, so I already know I won't like it.

It’s blue, so I already know I won’t like it.

This blue card was designed by the creative director at Gearbox. I am confused by this because Borderlands 2 is one of my favourite games, but blue is my most hated colour. I am very conflicted all of a sudden.

But I should have suspected betrayal, just like we all should have suspected how badly Alien: Colonial Marines was going to suck. Because this card was designed for one of my most hated decks of all: Edric, Spymaster of Trest! Edric is the perfect card to both power up this squid with card draws and to take full advantage of all the little tokens leftover from when he dies.

Nothing to see here. Just a pretty girl, alone in the woods at night, carrying extremely dangerous farming equipment...

Nothing to see here. Just a pretty girl, alone in the woods at night, carrying extremely dangerous farming equipment…

This card was made by the creator of Super Meat Boy, and if you don’t understand the name of the card then you clearly never had to try and beat Super Motherf%^#ing Meat Boy. Edmund McMillen drinks your tears to maintain his youth, I’m sure of that now.

But at least this card isn’t designed to be used with a specific general. I mean, you would need a general that liked having cheap bodies on the board but also was able to move massive amounts of +1/+1 counters, and something like that simply doesn’t exist- *Cough, cough*Varolz, the Scar-Striped*Cough*

Sorry, I think I had something obvious caught in my throat. It’s all gone now.

What? These? No, they're just patio tiles. Nothing to worry about.

What? These? No, they’re just patio tiles. Nothing to worry about.

This suicidal little tinkerer was the brainchild of a man who worked on both Simcity and Diablo 3. It’s fitting then, that the card has a fifty percent chance to crash and burn in your face.

As for the deck that runs this card, it also needs to b unreliable. It needs to like flipping coins and causing chaos, and it needs to like drawing the game out for way too many turns. It needs to be played in Norin the Wary, and you need to cackle maniacally while you play it.

No soup for you!

No soup for you!

This strange piece of equipment was built by the creator of Kill Doctor Lucky, which is apparently a real thing and not something made up to see if I would actually write those words in that order. That being said, I have no idea what it is or what it’s about.

I know what this card is about, though. This card was printed to give a Voltron general evasion. But not just any voltron general, a general that has trouble getting through. A general that is hard to target with burn spells, and a general that could regenerate through the trigger even if it did take damage.

It would appear that Thrun, the Last Troll enjoys a tasty bowl of soup now and again.

The next time a blue player asks me to make a choice, I'm gonna make him choose which testicle I boot.

The next time a blue player asks me to make a choice, I’m gonna make him choose which testicle I boot.

This card was designed by a man famous for fighting games, which is fitting given that I’m sure that a couple of brawls are going to break out over the resolution of this cards effect.

The general isn’t going to help, Because I am certain this card will see play in Medomai the Ageless decks. Why? Because they are both sphinxes, they both like attacking, and they both believe that extra turns are hugely beneficial. God, do I hate extra turns.

Hey guys! Check out my makeover!

Hey guys! Check out my makeover!

A director at Double Fine studios made this angry, hateful little card. Seriously, this card is filled with rage, and it’s venting it on your creatures and your life total.

Why is the designer of this card so angry? Maybe it’s because he’s sick of his Maralen of the Mornsong Deck not having a win condition unless he plays Ad Nauseam. Maybe he wanted something a little beefier and angrier, and maybe he thinks that dealing thirteen damage a turn and making his opponent sacrifice a creature will make him feel a bit better. He’s probably right about the last bit at least.

Have Captain America throw this one at your face.

Have Captain America throw this one at your face.

Richard Garriot, a living legend, designed this novel little artifact. It has a uniquely balanced ability, one that strengthens a single creature directly in proportion to how many other creatures you control. Unfortunately, with this card making one creature take advantage of the masses, I feel like it might just be making the creature into a one-percenter.

This card was of course designed for a deck that makes lots of creatures and wants to be aggressive early. Now, there are a few possibilities that spring to mind, But I’m going to guess that Lord British was as much of a fan of Brimaz, King of Oreskos as I was. Mostly because that would mean that he and I are thinking on the same wavelength, and that thought makes my soul smile.

I have a feeling that one of these two left the "till death do us part" out of their wedding vows.

I have a feeling that one of these two left the “till death do us part” out of their wedding vows.

A designer who makes rival card games made this enchantment for Wizards. Which I admit, I find a little bit weird. But who am I to decide if it’s smart to make products for your competition or not?

This enchantment was clearly meant to both create and take advantage of white spirit tokens, which means that it’s in the perfect position to take Teysa, Orzhov Scion by the hand and go skipping merrily into the night. That’s right, if you put this card into a Teysa deck then your spirits can be used to both kill your opponent’s creatures and to shield your own. Like Swiss Army spirits!

He's holding an entire rave in the palm of his hand.

He’s holding an entire rave in the palm of his hand.

This card comes to us from a creator of Guild Wars 2, and like that game it is suboptimal and will be forgotten quickly. I mean, I’m sure there is a legacy or modern deck somewhere that will run this card. But mostly it just seems to do a whole lot of “meh”.

On the upside, if you run it in a Mangara of Corondor deck you can at least always make sure that its power up is active. So, it has that going for it. And not much else.

Hey! I see a scale bat! Jud can play this one!

Hey! I see a scale bat! Jud can play this one!

This card was made by a World of Warcraft designer and was clearly meant to simulate the abilities of the rogue class in that game. Anyone who’s played Hearthstone is also going to realize that there is a rogue card that functions very similarly to this one.

This is a good all-purpose card for a lot of black decks, but I’m going to say that it belongs in Glissa, the Traitor as a hard-to-remove backup to Glissa’s first ability. Or in Thraximundar if you feel like playing tribal assassin. And really, who doesn’t feel like playing tribal assassin?

And it seems that you can even make a harp look cool if you wear an eye patch.

And it seems that you can even make a harp look cool if you wear an eye patch.

The card up there was clearly designed as an ode to the developer’s work on the game A Bard’s Tale, unfortunately his ability moves a little slowly to really be any good outside of the most casual environments.

Of course, if he was in a Vorel of the Hull Clade deck where he was getting his counters doubled and taking extra turns, he could become a tutoring machine. A cool, pirate looking tutoring machine. Oiled by rum and powered by silly, counter-doubling shenanigans.

Eric can be reached in the comments below, on twitter @ThatBonvieGuy, Or at EricBonvie@gmail.com. That is, assuming he hasn’t yet died of sleep deprivation or been trampled by rampaging blue players.