This entry is part 1 of 10 in the series Cooking With Oats

By MIKE aka MIGHTILY OATS
“Bone swires, messer me!” Mightily Oats here and I’m so glad you have tuned in.

Y’all, I ain’t gonna lie, I enjoy Voltron decks. I didn’t realize I that I enjoyed Voltron decks until I actually baked one up last week. It was like piloting a giant Pez dispenser that dispenses butt-kickings instead of Pez. It was like soaring far above my enemies without the downside of being sucked into jet engines. It was like being a pit-fighting grizzly bear… with a bazooka… that shoots sharks… that are on fire.

“And who was commanding this awesome, butt-kick dispensing, jet-engine evading, ursine-looking Rambo, complete with bandoleer full of flaming sharks?” you may ask. It was Bruna, Light of Alabaster, the least respected of all of the mythic Avacyn angels. Luckily, I’m a cheap bastard who doesn’t want to spend very much money on a card that has a little orange symbol in the corner. I swindled this particular card out of an eight year old kid for a measly twenty dollars. Heh, heh. Sucker.

Recipies we makin', pancreatic disease we hatin'

Today on Cooking with Oats I am going to share my recipe with you for preparing a scrumptious Bruna deck that is so easy even you can do it from the comfort of your own kitchen. Before we get started here is a list of ingredients that you are going to need:

  • Two parts auras
  • One part looters
  • A splash of fine French wine
  • A dollop of spellshapers
  • A drizzle of fine French wine
  • A dash of removal
  • A pinch of tutors for flavor

Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes until the crust is golden and flakey. Serve over a bed of freshly tossed fine French wine with a side of fine French wine and a tall, frosty mug of fine French wine and enjoy. French wine.

“Why would I invest time and effort into making this deck when I am perfectly happy with my macaroni and cheese with fried wieners and ketchup?” you may ask. Though there is no denying that Trailer Park Chicken Alfredo is delicious, perhaps you would like to expand your palate and sample the great variety of flavors that Magic has to offer. With over 10,000 individual cards in circulation, the flavor combinations you can come up with are as close to infinite as makes no difference. Even the most tantalizing foods can become bland if that is all you ever eat.

The other reason I think you should at least give this a try is the absolute glee you experience when serving this to your closest friends. Serving 21 points of piping-hot General Damage directly down the throats of everyone at the table without even breaking a sweat is the hallmark of an excellent host or hostess and this deck will allow you to do just that.

When selecting your wine I suggest a sweet Merlot or a heady Pinot Noir or, barring those, anything in a box. Nothing says refined class and sophistication like square wine. Plus, you can get like a hundred of them and they all stack nicely on top of each other. That’s great synergy right there!

Now we need to decide what auras we want to use. When selecting your ingredients don’t let price stand in your way, you won’t ever be paying for them if you can help it. You’ll want to protect Bruna as she will be the only thing in this deck doing any kind of damage to other players. Let’s see what we have in the pantry.

“Suck ra blue!” Hexproof! Yes! There has got to be tons of blue and white auras that… Wait… none? Really?!

Okay, how about indestructible? That would work. Well, there’s Indestructibility, duh. Of course, I don’t own an Indestructibility, but if you do, by all means, use it.

What about umbras? Eel Umbra, Hyena Umbra, Drake Umbra, Mammoth Umbra, and Eland Umbra all have that piquant flavor that make a good meal great and they keep Bruna out on the field with a little extra boost. Plus, at common and uncommon, those things are running all over the place. Or they should be.

When I was building this deck a funny thing happened that proved conclusively that there is a God and he has a sick sense of humor. I personally didn’t crack open a ton of Rise of the Eldrazi packs but I was sure I had a few of them. I was searching for umbras and after going through all of my cards from that set I had found exactly one card. After a moment, I dug through all of my cards again just to be sure, and then cried softly in the dark for about an hour. I was left with one, solitary Crab Umbra sitting on the table.

It was at this point that I seriously thought about trying to get my money back from that kid. I mean, he wasn’t that big. Maybe if I got a couple of guys together we could corner him in his bedroom while he’s fast asleep in his Iron Man jammies and beat him like a government mule until he gave me my money back. No… I don’t know that many guys.

After losing all hope for this deck, I was listlessly sifting through Gatherer just trying to find anything that could help. And just as suddenly as a rabid squirrel that has been nibbling on a passed out crack-head’s pipe can shoot up your pant leg and redefine your understanding of the phrase “clear and present danger” the answers were in front of me. Fool’s Demise and Abduction, two of the most unexpected saviors I could have imagined. Both of these cards can keep Bruna out in the field in the face of all kinds of removal and have the added benefit of stealing your opponents’ creatures if need be. Now we are cooking “on flame bay”!

Now we need some meat for this dish. I suggest only the choicest cuts. Auramancer’s Guise, Armored Ascension, Battle Mastery and Daybreak Coronet were the finest ones sitting in my freezer. I would have loved to put in Eldrazi Conscription, Angelic Destiny and Celestial Mantle but some of us aren’t billionaires, lounging on our yachts, eating steak stuffed with lobster and orphans.

Anyway, now we need the aromatic pop that can only be delivered by serious evasion. Cloak of Mists and Steel of the Godhead are both excellent choices. Protective Bubble was exciting but I was worried about it giving Bruna Shroud, but then I found this. For those of you with a severe aversion to clicking on hyperlinks here is the gist:

“auras only target as spells, if you attach it by other means (like with Bruna or Sun Titan ) it ignores shroud and hexproof. it will still be stopped by protection, though. all the auras enter the battlefield attached to Bruna at the same time.” – Enigma256

Now, I don’t know who Enigma256 is or how credible they are but, judging by their disdain for proper capitalization, I am certain that they are a leading authority in their field, whatever that may be, and are beyond all scrutiny. Questioning the validity of their statements would be tantamount to slander. I twiddled the Googler for an entire 5 minutes and I haven’t found anything on the internets to contradict this statement, so we will assume it is entirely true, just like everything else that is printed on the internets.

This means that Bruna can be shrouded from head to toe and still attach auras when she attacks or blocks. So sweet, so savory!

A simple touch of spellshaping adds so much to the presentation

I love drawing cards. Who doesn’t? With Bruna you can take a different approach to drawing cards than you normally would. In this case, the graveyard is your friend and this opens up a whole world of wonderful options. I offer Read the Runes, Flux, Compulsive Research, and Careful Consideration for your… careful consideration. Ha! Tossing auras into the graveyard, while replacing them with other goodies from your deck is a winning combination.

Now we need a garnish because presentation is just as important as flavor. Spellshapers are wonderful for this. My personal favorites are Dreamscape Artist to bring out the earthy flavor of your lands, Waterfront Bouncer and Devout Witness to suppress unwanted bitterness from your opponents and Diplomatic Escort to help maintain those simple, rustic flavors of Bruna herself.

Sprinkle in some quality removal like Swords to Plowshares, Disenchant, Oblivion Ring and others of their ilk. When I was putting this together I wasn’t too sure about putting in sweepers like Wrath of God until I played one while Bruna had Fool’s Demise and Lightning Greaves on her. All creatures die, Fool’s Demise brings Bruna back to the field, reattach the greaves, swing at any unprotected opponent and grab any aura from the graveyard or my hand and slap them right back on her. “Tray being!”

And finally, the “piece of resistance”, tutors. When choosing tutors I always suggest the tried and true options. Academy Researchers comes into play with an aura attached to it, just waiting for Bruna to swoop in and take it off of their hands. Idyllic Tutor lets you grab whatever enchantment that is right for the job in front of you. Enlightened Tutor lets you not only get enchantments but also hasty artifacts like Swiftfoot Boots, Strider Harness and Lightning Greaves. Totem-Guide Hartebeest would also be an excellent addition if you need another tutor on the cheap. “Tray man you freak!”

It has been said that variety is the spice of life and couldn’t agree more. This deck is wide open for all manner alteration.

kids are so stupid

How about Traumatize effects pointed right at your own library? I was introduced to this suite of cards by an opponent that thought trying to mill this deck was a good idea. It was a good idea, just not for him.

Curse of the Bloody Tome is an enchantment making it hard to get rid of and it’s not really warping the game to the point that someone is going to waste removal on it. Hedron Crab is a great opening play as you can get your graveyard filling right off of the bat and gives you a little chump blocker, Increasing Confusion is great for later in the game when you find yourself with a surplus of mana and you are looking for that little extra power to get the win and it can be cast from the graveyard if you happen to hit it with your other millers. All three of Jace, Memory Adept’s skills are relevant to Bruna, a looting effect for +1, a milling effect for free, and a -7 ultimate to drown your hand in 20 cards of pure, rich gravy. I don’t have an Emo Jace, but I’m seriously thinking about getting one now. Absolutely delectable.

When you pull this deck out of the oven it should look a little something like this
Bruna, Light of Alabaster

***Creatures***

Devout Witness
Weathered Wayfarer
Azorius Guildmage
Reveillark
Diplomatic Escort
Waterfront Bouncer
Mesa Enchantress
Stonecloaker
Magus of the Bazaar
Dreamscape Artist
Academy Researchers

***Enchantments***

Diplomatic Immunity
Oblivion Ring
Protective Bubble
Cloak of Mists
Celestial Mantle
Eldrazi Conscription
Armored Ascension
Auramancer’s Guise
Traveler’s Cloak
Abduction
Flight of Fancy
Infiltrator’s Magemark
Mystic Remora
Steel of the Godhead
Daybreak Coronet
Crab Umbra
Battle Mastery
Fool’s Demise
Land Tax

***Instants***

Swords to Plowshares
Spin into Myth
Path to Exile
Scout’s Warning
Pongify
Trickbind
Crib Swap
Pulse of the Grid
Time Stop
Thirst for Knowledge
Return to Dust
Careful Consideration
Disenchant
Enlightened Tutor
Read the Runes
Ovinize

***Sorceries***

Time Stretch
Wrath of God
Idyllic Tutor
Careful Study
Increasing Confusion
Austere Command
Flux

***Artifacts***

AEther Spellbomb
Strider Harness
Swiftfoot Boots
Lightning Greaves
Azorius Signet

***Planeswalkers***

Jace, Memory Adept

***Lands***

Adarkar Wastes
Azorius Chancery
Boreal Shelf
Nimbus Maze
Sejiri Refuge
Sejiri Steppe
Island x 17
Plains x 17:

 

Now pour some fine French wine and enjoy this with 3 to 6 friends. “Bone ape a tit!”

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