August 23, 2012
Posted by Mike aka Mightily Oats
Howdy y’all! Welcome to the second season of Cooking with Oats.
With half of a season of writing for Commander Cast firmly under my belt and the screaming adulation of tens of rabid fans I think it is time to take this whole endeavor to “The Next Level”. It’s time to offer the “Oats Experience” to the teeming, unwashed masses yearning to cram meat laden grease of questionable origin into their gaping face holes. It’s time for one more garish eyesore to pop up in the strip mall hell-scape that is Middle America. It is time for yet another cartoon mascot to teach our children that if they whine long enough and loud enough even the most well-meaning parent will buy them shiny new cases of obesity, hypertension, and type 2 diabetes, all of which come with a cool toy. I am opening a chain of fast food restaurants, following in the footsteps of industrial titans like Ray Kroc, Colonel Sanders and Kenny Rogers, so I can turn my new found wealth and fame into much bigger piles of wealth and fame.
Welcome to Uncle Oats’ Old Fashioned Family Feedbag!
Having a business plan is essential to the success of any new business venture and Uncle Oats’ Old Fashioned Family Feedbag is no different. My plan has six fundamental steps:
- Create a family friendly mascot to shill for the company.
- Create a menu of mouth-watering combos that will be irresistible.
- Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising!
- Procuring investment capital.
- Install the widest doors possible to accommodate the immense girth of our repeat customers.
Step 1: Mascot
Choosing a mascot is not something to be taken lightly. I need a character that embodies the core values and beliefs of the Family Feedbag. I need someone that not only doesn’t mind stuffing our customers to bursting with “food” that would barely be legal to dispose of in a public landfill, but also benefits from actively killing off our customer base.
One thing that cannot be overstated when looking for a mascot is the “Nag Factor”. Contrary to popular belief, this phenomenon has little to do with the percentage of horse meat in our sandwiches (which is considerable). It is, instead, the act of turning children into our greatest salesmen. When children nag their parents for something, no amount of logic, cajoling, bargaining or outright refusal will sway a child from their single-minded pursuit of the object of their desire. The mascot will be the center-piece of this campaign.
Let me introduce you to our new mascot who perfectly embodies the values of Uncle Oats’ Old Fashioned Family Feedbag, Sek’Kuar, Deathkeeper. Admittedly, orcs don’t tend to like children (unless they are breaded, deep fried and slathered in honey mustard dipping sauce), but I think with a bit of a makeover and a little re-branding the children will come running with fists full of their parents cash.
There, that’s better.
Step 2: Menu
It has been scientifically proven that people love combos. It has also been scientifically proven that people can’t do rudimentary math. Armed with this information I will create a menu comprised of nothing but over-priced combinations of food guaranteed to give my customers terminal satisfaction.
#1 The Gravedigger’s Grab Bag
This tasty combo comes with a choice of any two grave digging creatures, a limited edition Deathrender and a sacrifice outlet of your choice. Attach Deathrender to any grave digger and as long as you have another grave digger in your hand you can sacrifice the one in play to any of your sacrifice outlets. Deathrender will bring the grave digger from your hand into play with Deathrender attached to it. This grave digger coming into play will bring the first one from the graveyard back into your hand. Repeat as many times as you would like. While this is going on Sekky, the Burgerkeeper will be raising an infinite hoard of hasty 3/1 Graveborn creatures.
This simple combo includes a spicy Nether Traitor, a deep fried Genesis Chamber and tall, frosty Phyrexian Altar. With the Genesis Chamber in play sacrifice the Traitor to the Altar, get 1 black mana and a Myr token. Sacrifice the Myr token to the Altar, get whatever color of mana you need, and use the black mana to bring the Traitor back into play. Repeat as many times as you need for all the mana you can eat. If Sekky isn’t out, use that mana to bring him and his host of Graveborn directly to the party.
#3 Haakon’s Handcrafted Hoagie
Customers will get a big bag of ingredients that they have to assemble themselves to enjoy this combo. Now this may be a little challenging for some of the slack-jawed consumers off of the street, but they don’t have to be able to eat it, they just have to pay for it. Using the Corpse Connoisseur or Entomb, they will search for Haakon and throw him into the graveyard. Once he is in the graveyard you can then play him and this will allow you to play knights directly from your graveyard. The Basal Sliver allows you to sacrifice any sliver and add 2 black mana to your mana pool. The Skeletal Changeling is both a knight and a sliver so you can sacrifice the changeling for 2 black mana and then use that mana to cast him from the graveyard. Sekky, as always, will get a monstrously large army if you can pull this off.
For the health conscious customer we offer this bottomless salad that comes with freshly tossed Scuzzback Marauders, your choice of Bramblewood Paragon or Melira, Sylvok Outcast dressing and your choice of low calorie sacrifice outlets. With both the Marauders and the Paragon on the battlefield you can sacrifice the Marauders and since they have Persist they come right back into play with a -1/-1 counter on them. Because they are warriors the Paragon will give them an extra +1/+1 counter which eliminates the -1/-1 counter. Same idea applies to Melira, as she straight up prevents the -1/-1 counter from being applied. Eat all you want, we’ll toss more.
For those seeking a kosher option, we have this scrumptious knish. Equip the Scythe to the self-loathing Kamahl and have him deal 3 damage to himself. The Scythe will bring him right back into play, and since he has haste he can do it again and again and again.
When you just can’t decide which artifact creature to sacrifice, this combo makes it so you don’t have to. If you have 7 or more cards in your graveyard and Decaying Soil on the battlefield then you can sacrifice anyone of these artifacts to Ashnod’s Altar. That will give you the colorless mana you need to bring them back to your hand. Cast the Ornithopter and the Walker for free or the Phyrexian Marauder for 1 mana. Repeat as needed.
Though this combo isn’t infinite like the others it will more than satisfy your lust for lands. With all of these on the battlefield, pay one mana to sacrifice Bloodghast to Perilous Forays. This will allow you to search your deck for any land with a basic land type and put into play tapped which brings the Bloodghast back into play. Meanwhile, Pawn of Ulamog makes a 0/1 Eldrazi Spawn token that can be sacrificed for 1 colorless mana. Sacrifice the Eldrazi Spawn for 1 colorless mana to pay for Perilous Forays again.
#8 Crawler’s Cruller (suggested by William)
This decadent dessert combo comes with a sugar glazed Gravecrawler , your choice of any other zombie and a hot cup of Phyrexian Altar to wash it all down. With Gravecrawler and any other zombie in play you can sacrifice the Gravecrawler to the Altar for one black mana and then use that mana to play the Gravecrawler from the graveyard. Simple and sweet.
This seems like a solid menu but I know what you are asking yourself. “What if Sekky isn’t on the battlefield?” Way ahead of you. At Uncle Oats’ Old Fashioned Family Feedbag we offer a wide range of side dishes that will compliment anyone of these delicious combos.
Bitter Ordeal – Gravestorming your way to victory.
Goblin Bombardment – A sacrifice outlet that does damage as well.
Grave Pact – Eliminate the competition.
Gutter Grime –No Sekky? No problem, we’ll just see what we have in the grease trap.
Vicious Shadows – Deals damage to players based on the cards in their hand.
Pandemonium – Deals damage as your creatures enter the battlefield.
Warstorm Surge – Ditto.
Stalking Vengeance – All of your dying creatures do damage on their way out.
Blood Artist – Does damage as your creatures die.
Falkenrath Noble – Ditto.
Hissing Iguanar – Double ditto.
Deathbringer Thoctar – Loads up on +1/+1 counters that he can shoot at your enemies.
Goblin Sharpshooter – Loads up on BULLETS that he can shoot at your enemies.
Extractor Demon – Mill everyone’s libraries.
Lightning Coils – Build up a nasty charge that will unleash at the beginning of your next turn.
Thornbite Staff – Works great if Ashnod’s Altar is your sacrifice outlet.
Blasting Station – Another sacrifice outlet that does damage as well. Not too shabby.
The secret to success is a secret sauce, and my secret sauce is a succession of sacrifices, son. Here is a list of our cold and refreshing sacrifice outlets.
Step 3: Merchandising
Merchandising is a fundamental aspect of brand recognition and I think it would be a missed opportunity not to include some Uncle Oats’ Old Fashioned Family Feedbag brand toys.
The Champion of Lambholt action figure.
The Fecundity Mini Science Lab.
The Demonic Tutor, Diabolic Tutor and Increasing Ambition activity books.
The Beast Within, Rend Flesh, Putrefy and Krosan Grip choking hazards.
Step 4: Capital
No business can get off of the ground without investment capital. I suggest a conservative portfolio comprised mostly of basic land commodities, a single precious metal mana rock, and a few multi-colored, high-yield bonds. Your portfolio may vary, but here is what I have.
Step 5: Doors and other accessories
Repeat business is going to be the single greatest stream of revenue, and these hulking land whales need to be able to get in the restaurant with their butter soaked dollars. I’m thinking barn doors should be able to accommodate even the most equatorially gifted customers. Complimentary forklifts should help them get to their tables and each meal will come with a funnel and a plunger to facilitate faster consumption.
Step 6: Profit
Now I can just lean back and wait for the monies to start rolling in. With this sound business strategy I can’t see how I can possibly fail. Soon I will be lounging on the deck of my whale-skin yacht on my own private ocean, sipping panda milk piña coladas, wearing diamond slippers, and smoking cigars rolled in the Shroud of Turin while super models fire golden bullets out of assault rifles at California condors.
“Who’s the Burger King now, bitch!?”