This entry is part 11 of 15 in the series Journey to Nowhere

by Judson AKA GUDoug

GUDougDisclaimer:  At the end of May 2012 CommanderCast was blitzkrieged by an all out assault that everyone involved in the podcast and website had never seen before.  Within the span of three days on one especially burned out week the website was attacked in a dual strike by one Mike AKA ‘Mightily Oats,’ leaving a smoldering crater filled with market fresh entertainment, choice cuts of meaty cards, and Photoshopped delicacies, all steeped in two mind boggling articles good enough to steam your grandma’s undies.  It was for all intents and purposes an unheralded double tap to the head the likes of which we will never see again.  The series ‘Cooking With Oats’ showcased a new great talent to the CommanderCast lineup and punched everyone in the yambags with a innovative new spin on writing EDH articles (Click this to read the ‘Cooking With Oats’ back catalog).  I remember reading the first ‘Cooking With Oats’ and basically realizing that this guy, whoever he was, was putting everything into his articles that I wanted to but had never found a way to do so.  Mike’s articles were full of humor, bizarre non-EDH stories that tied into EDH decks at the end, and were all impeccably well written.  Having done a fair amount of comedy writing in my college days, I had always wished for a way to include that more into articles but struggled to do, and this Mightily Oats just seemed to ooze everything that I wanted in my writing.  Every other week I looked forward to seeing what unpredictably insane situation Oats would be in and how it would all tie up nicely with a big bow at the end.  So with Mike’s permission and blessing I wrote an Oats-esque article and had a blast doing so.  The experience was very liberating and actually one of the most effortless articles I have written.  While I would never want to steal Mike’s style I really wanted to give his article archetype a try, so be prepared as this isn’t going to be anything close to your usual Judson AKA GUDoug article.  I know that this probably won’t appeal to everyone but I encourage you to sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

 

Hello everybody, and welcome to the “Journey to Nowhere Tribute to Mightily Oats!”

I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was yesterday and behind the mirrored windows of the upper, upper penthouse offices of ‘G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, Tower No.2’ a shadow syndicate of corporate spin doctors were hard at work trying to blunt the fallout from the previous days company picnic.  HR was alerted earlier in the morning in an effort to expedite the indenturing of a new non-offensive, creepy cute, little germ factory to play the role of the doe eyed fruit of my loins.  It really was a shame that the previous Meriwether “Bubs” Doug had that unfortunate accident at the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, Mandatory Weekend Family First Child Safety Seminar and Tower No.1 Remodeling Project.  I guess they made kids a lot tougher back in my day, ones that could take a blow from a rogue errant I-beam.  As soon as little ‘“what’s his name’s” birth parents were moderately compensated with G.U. Fun Bucks the official company store currency of G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, and his eyes recolored, teeth filed to nubs and veneered with the requisite trademark “Bubs” glinty smile, and coated in a thick film of germicide, “New Bubs” and I were off to shoot B-roll coverage for the Spike Jonze directed apology ad down by the south cooling tower.


There is nothing more breathtaking than the natural beauty of a G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, Factory Compound.

Having been years since I ventured to this side of the factory compound, I had forgotten how beautiful the morning sun looked as it struggled through the choking dense smoke of the towers.  The yellows and greens against the oranges and browns were really quite stunning this time of year.  After ample heartstring tugging “Lad and Dad” shots including but not limited to hand holding, shoulder riding, and skipping slag chips across the decant pools and settling basins, Spike decided it was time to move to the annex of lower sub-basement B of ‘G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, Tower No.3,’ home of all the corporation’s most recent YouTube ready apologetic toned fireside chats.  So there in the warm glow of dancing flames, Bubs on the floor playing with “Grimey G.U.F ® .”  the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company corporate mascot, I was set to win back the public’s approval.

Grimey G.U.F.

The commercial opened with a slow pull out from my face as I read Bubs an excerpt from my second definitive autobiography “Dig that Doug: G.U. to the Max, (1983 Illustrated Children’s Edition)”

That was the last time I ever saw the alien boy.  As I grew up he was never far from my thoughts.  I went to college, got married, had a family, tried to live a good life that the alien boy would be proud of.  I even lose sleep some nights hoping that I had lived my life right.  Hoping…wishing…saying prayers I’ll never receive answers too.  Then again maybe he was God, because for a small all to brief period of time I had a little slice of heaven right here on earth.  Goodbye Alien Boy, where ever you are.

I took off my fashion reading glasses and monocle, wiped a glycerin stage tear from the corner of my eye, and patted young Bubs on his shaggy brown mop topped head.  A slow fade in of soothing music infused with subliminal messages of undying devotion to G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company began to play.

Oh I didn’t see you there.  Hi I’m G.U. Doug, founder, president, and CEO of G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company.  We here at G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, are proud to be the world’s largest provider of recreational grade over-the-counter pharmaceuticals, weapons grade packing materials for humanitarian aid shipments, premium plastic things that go on the end of shoelaces, and cube-shaped rainbow colored on-the-vine hydroponic hothouse tomatoes.  While we admit no wrongdoing in the unfortunate incident that befouled and besmirched our public image at a recent company Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic, we are saddened and crestfallen that any G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company fun-ployees misconstrued the team building trustfall into the new Integrated Multi-Stage Repurposer, patent pending, as anything other than what it was; an elevating of third quarter earnings by employee initiated optional downsizing with the additional option for G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company to collect on corporate life insurance policies in an effort to crush our competition.  The intended purpose of the trustfall was well documented in a company-wide memo emailed that morning.  While it was unfortunate that the company servers were down for routine scheduled upgrades to the company electronic mail system, multiple microfiche copies were available at the picnic site.  It should be noted that on the Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic invite under “You Might Want to Bring” microfiche reader is listed prominently between “Marker for Cup Labeling” and “Money for Souvenirs.”  At this time I will mention that there are plenty of Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic men’s T-shirts and V-necks, ladies T-shirts and V-necks, ladies baby doll shirts, half shits, mesh shirts, mesh half shirts, hockey jerseys,  both zip-up and pull-over hoodies, butt-logo sweatpants, fanny packs, magnets, and koozies left that can still be purchased over at www.GUSwag.com.  

All of our fun-ployees are more than just cogs in our machine.  They are family, and will thusly be referred to as fun-ployee family members.  Like any good family member, fun-ployee family members should, and are required to under the terms of their contract, make sacrifices for the greater good.  I appreciate the precious, generous offering that those fallen fun-ployee family members have bestowed upon this great institution, by repurposing their existence for the betterment of the company.  Please know that their loss is a gain for each and every surviving shareholder, of which I am legally obligated to say I am 99% majority holder of.  They are not and will not be forgotten, at least until their repurposed remains are reused to the fullest extent that the law allows.  We regret the miscommunication and hope that our standing in the communities around our factory compounds, communities within our factory compound company towns, and ultimately the world has not been tarnished beyond repair.  Through our fun-ployee family member’s contribution of sacrifice we will prevail, rise stronger, and stand proud.  Ain’t that right Bubs!

Bubs looked up and smiled, teeth filled with glint, and spoke the company slogan in a cutesy lisp, “Seddle fo nuthin’ less dan Fweshhhhh!” If that doesn’t smash you right in your miserable drippy cry box I don’t know what will.  Then there was a pan away to the mantle and past an impressive collection of tasteful erotic scrimshaw and Kaiser Wilhelm II’s personal vintage kraut boards, past the mounted juvenile megaloceros antlers, past the worlds most extensive and important collection of framed hobo nickels, and then a fade to black.  Thus queueing all the corporate boilerplate, backgrounded with the “Lad and Dad” B-roll footage, legally making each viewer a binding fun-ployee family member of the G.U. Fresh Ind, a G.U. Doug Company as well as forcing mandatory arbitration settled by a company appointed arbiter in any legal case the would be brought against G.U. Fresh Ind, a G.U. Doug Company for any wrongdoing.

To coincide with the much hyped and ballyhooed release of what is now being buzzed as “One of the 10 most important and influential corporate apologetic-esque videos of all time,” an equally heralded and touted G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Presents Event, “Lament: an In Memoriam Service of Memorial featuring Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D and the Boys” was scheduled to “say goodbye to our dear devoted fun-ployee family members whose unfortunate voluntarily actions caused their own loss of life at the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic,” the tagline reads.  Maybe it was the craven public appeal to be a part of such an important historic event, maybe it was the shock and awe Weekend At Bernie’s-esque antics of the Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D the overweight lover, or maybe it was one of the only the opportunities the miscreant noisome hoi polloi would get to be in the same vicinity as myself, but all 150,000 seats of Rŭngrado May Day Stadium in Pyongyang, North Korea sold out in less than 20 minutes.  Financially already an incredible boon, Pay Per View buy ins were capped at 20 million after all possible computer models forecasted the total demand enough to cripple and blackout the world’s cable providers.

Which brings us to the purpose of these illustrious prose.  I, G.U. Doug, founder, president, and CEO of G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, wanted to invite each and every one of you to own a piece of the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Presents Event, “Lament:  an In Memoriam Service of Memorial featuring Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D and the Boys” experience with this painstakingly handcrafted limited edition Magic: the Gathering Elder Dragon Highlander deck, suitable for playing.  Meticulous detail was given to each card choice in honor of our gracious fun-ployee family members that participated or gave their lives at the ill-fated Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic.  Inside each deck you will find 100 foil oversized Magic: the Gathering playing cards with super foil commemorative set logo, 120 Foil oversized UltraPro sleeves, 20 foil production quality double sided battle markers (+ and -), 10 oversized double sided foil token cards, an oversized foil carrying case, and finally an official foil life counter that goes to 99.  Also each and every oversized Magic: the Gathering card featured in the commemorative G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Presents Event, “Lament:  an In Memoriam Service of Memorial featuring Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D and the Boys” event deck, aside from the General, will be at the rarities of common and uncommon.  While I may be made of money, you most likely are not.  Be the first of your friends and family to commemorate the event with this special deck.  Each deck comes hand numbered out of 500 million, so supplies are limited.  Get your’s now while supplies last.  Four easy payments of $19.99 plus $14.99 shipping and handling.

The deck composition is as follows:
The general representing myself, G.U. Doug  founder, president, and CEO of G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company, is Savra, Queen of the Golgari.  A pretty accurate portrayal if you ask me, except for the decumbent urinator part.

Representing the brave fun-ployee family members that unwillingly ushered so many to their optional and non-G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company responsible deaths:

Representing those fun-ployee family members, of which there were a few, that participated in the optional trustfall several times after failing to successfully hit the new Integrated Multi-Stage Repurposer, patent pending, on the first attempt:

Representing those fun-ployee family members whose participation in the optional trustfall exercise encouraged others to participate or who brought a friend:

Representing those fun-ployee family members who helped set up the factory compound grounds from the Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic:

Representing the sadness and despair we all feel for those who optionally discarded their lives:

Representing the new Integrated Multi-Stage Repurposer, patent pending:

Other goodies included:

Finally representing the manabase is the manabase:

Playing your G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Presents Event, “Lament:  an In Memoriam Service of Memorial featuring Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D and the Boys” commemorative EDH deck is fairly straightforward as you simply cast your oversized foil MTG cards by tapping your oversized foil lands for mana.  The strategy is such that anyone from young to old, boy or girl, educated or uneducated can follow it without too much difficulty and anxiety.  You will cast your oversized foil black and/or green creatures and either gain value upon them entering the battlefield, leaving the battlefield and going to the graveyard, and sacrificing them for various beneficial effects.  Then you can activate Savra, Queen of the Golgari’s ability as each of your oversized foil black and/or green creatures die for life gain or sacrifice effects, depending on color.  Included in the deck are many foil oversized black and/or green creatures that return other foil oversized black and/or green creatures from your graveyard to your hand.  By doing so you can thus chain together multiple versions of these creatures again and again with redundant glee.  It is easy as that.

Again the miscommunication that transpired at the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Fall 2012 Team Building B.Y.O.B. Potluck Picnic was unfortunate.  On behalf of the company I hope that the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Presents Event, “Lament:  an In Memoriam Service of Memorial featuring Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D and the Boys” as well as the G.U. Fresh Ind., a G.U. Doug Company Presents Event, “Lament:  an In Memoriam Service of Memorial featuring Not-Quite-Reanimated Heavy D and the Boys” commemorative EDH deck go a long ways towards re-cementing the positive reputation of this great company throughout the world.  While almost every facet of this situation has spelled nothing but financial gain for this company, please know that our fun-polyee family members are the lifeblood of our operation, and a resource we care and depend on in a symbiotic, but mostly parasitic, relationship.  As always we hold dear to the founding philosophy of the company of providing the cheapest produced quality products at a premium price.  Ain’t that right Bubs?

Bubs

“Seddle fo nuthin’ less dan Fweshhhhh!”

 

 

Email me at: judsonjg(at)yahoo(dot)com
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/GUDoug

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