By CALVIN aka CAPTAINREDZONE
Calvin is the administrator of Three To The Face!!! Updating every Thursday, Calvin’s writings usually explore theme decks in Commander with a variety of guiding principles; mechanics, generals, and Saturday cartoons are all on the table. Calvin is a long-time CommanderCast supporter and can be heard both on S2E12: The People’s Episode and S4E7: Feat. Vincent Price.

Where … Where Am I?

I awoke on a beach. The last thing I remembered was that I was on the High Seas, searching for the next theme deck. Then a storm started to brew… or at least that’s what it looked at first. Then something broke the surface of the sea. It was monstrous, it was massive…. it wore a top hat without a monocle… Wrexial!

All I remember after that was water, darkness, and… oh no…Imshan! He was with me when…

As I start to pull myself up from the sand I felt foot on the back of my head push me back down. With a quick turn of my head I had my answer to where I was. The goblin looking down on me was…

!

Welcome one and all! This is Captain Red Zone coming to you from threetotheface.blogspot.com! I seem to have gotten myself into a little bit of a bind here. After a few moments of broken English and busted Goblinese, I found myself at the mercy of Ib. See, apparently I’ve landed in thelandofCommanderCast. I needed to find Imshan and the only one who could help was the head of the High Chancellor, Andy. Ib knew where he was, but only if I could do something for him. Goblins don’t work for free.

Ib told me about how there has been a lot of debate about who should be the go to Goblin in Commander and he needed an army. So it’s either help Ib or he’ll feed me to the tribe. I’m sure I could take him, but I can’t afford to take the four damage. So let’s go!

It became clear why Ib was having trouble rallying the troops as it were. It seems like every time he gives an order it always ends in someone dying while he sits in the back behind a wall of dead goblin flesh. If this is how he was going to run things, he’s going to need a few token goblins that are too stupid to catch on to what’s happening.

Chancellor of the Forge, Dragon Fodder, Goblin Scouts, Empty the Warrens, Goblin Marshal, Goblin Offensive, Goblin Warrens, Goblin Assault, Mogg Alarm, Mogg Infestation, Siege-Gang Commander, Warbreak Trumpeter: It took awhile but I found a few goblins that are more than willing to toss themselves into the line of fire for a guy like Ib. Mogg Alarm is so into what Ib does that I can’t see a deck for him without it. Mogg Infestation works great for Ib because it clears the way for the team while making the team. Dragon Fodder, Goblin Scouts, Goblin Assault, Goblin Offensive, and Empty the Warrens can turn the game around by making extra goblins your opponents didn’t expect. GoblinWarrens is just pure value in that it can be done at instant speed. Just block with two guys, pay and sac, then… BOOM three guys ready for the next battle. It took a little bribery with some shiny rocks and a few fish, but I was able to talk Chancellor of the Forge, Goblin Marshal, Siege-Gang Commander, and Warbreak Trumpeter all into joining the team.

Moggcatcher, Goblin Recruiter, Warren Instigator, Goblin Lackey, Goblin Matron, Goblin Ringleader: the first night Ib put me into the cage, I realized I wasn’t the only human he “recruited”. I found a Moggcatcher there and he helped to explain that the best way to find goblins was to have other goblins look for them. So the next thing I did was found a few goblins he suggested from the local caves and warrens. I gathered this team and headed back to Ib just in time to hear a huge explosion!

Arms Dealer, Gempalm Incinerator, Skirk Fire Marshal, Goblin Razerunners, Goblin Gardener, Goblin Settler, Punishing Fire, Goblin Grenade, Goblin War Strike, and Goblin Ruinblaster: I knew what it was as soon as I saw the smoke. A few of my barrels of bomb powder had washed up on shore and one of the tokens found it. The goblins had no idea what they were in for. Some used it on their crops. Some used it inside their caves. Some even started making snowballs with it and threw it at each other… and they all used it a little bit too close to the campfire.

Brightstone Ritual and Skirk Prospector: I had half a mind to just turn around and let them finish each other off. But Ib still knew where Andy was so I did what would turn out to be my worst decision ever. I showed Ib how to use it. He started making the goblins EAT IT! What you may not know about goblins is they’re very hot blooded. So hot in fact, they would start turning into goblin firecrackers with this new ingredient.

Caterwauling Boggart, Goblin Pyromancer, Flamestick Courier, Goblin Bushwhacker, Goblin Piledriver, Mogg Raider, and Goblin Sledder: Strangely enough, eating the explosive powder just seems to make some goblins mad and lead to a few fights. This group was among the few that were left after standing after the first few brawls. I figured they would be just the kind of goblins that would help Ib with his fights.

Goblin Assassin, Goblin Chirurgeon, Goblin Replica, Goblin Goon, and Reckless One: When word got out about all of the things Ib was doing, it wasn’t long before the goblins started coming to us. I remember when I saw the size of the Reckless One and the Goon. Their very size made me realize that maybe I was getting myself in way over my head. The Chirurgeon showed me the extent goblin “intelligence”. Leave it to a goblin to think that other goblins are best used for spare parts. I found it most interesting that they didn’t seem to care about the Replica. I guess it was all the rust. …but the Assassin in the back kept flipping a coin waiting for heads to come up, glaring at it.

Goblin Chieftain, Goblin King, Mogg War Marshal, Lightning Crafter, and Goblin Warchief: The camp became so packed we had to start making a few ranks and some lords to help to keep groups. It didn’t take much after that before we were about to get things going good. But then, off in the Mountains I saw something that made the whole tribe make the worst sound I’ve ever heard… goblins cheering.

Squee, Goblin Nabob and Tuktuk the Explorer: These two legendary goblins came into the camp to fanfare. From there, the only thing left was for them, Ib, and I to start working on was a few ways to keep the group tied together.

Avatar of Slaughter: They needed something to believe in. I couldn’t think of a better deity for this group than the one that wants them to do battle as often as possible.

Goblin Bomb, Boggart Shenanigans, Goblin Bombardment, Goblin Caves, Quest for the Goblin Lord, and Goblin Shrine: They learned a few enchantments to help with their newly found… religion? …whatever.

Goblin Charbelcher, Sarpadian Empires, Vol. VII, Skull of Orm, Sword of Light and Shadow, and Crucible of Worlds: I left Ib with a few shiny objects I picked up in my journeys and he decided it was time to take me where I wanted to go.

Dust Bowl, Ghost Quarter, Tectonic Edge, Goblin Burrows, and Buried Ruin: We crossed a few dangerous lands. If I had realized that it was going to be this dangerous I would have just taken my chances with Ib on the damn beach. Four of the places “mysteriously” exploded as we left, so after we saw the city I just told Ib I could handle things from there. He tried to get me to come with him and watch as he took on his enemies using the army I’d helped build, but I had more important things to do than watch a few goblins splatter each other up.

I found Andy in a what looked like the smoking ruins ofEaster Islandand told him my tale. He called it Ib Nation 583. When I asked what the number was for, he said it was because this will mark the 583rd time Ib got someone to help him with his “quest”.

Next Time I Find That goblin I’m Going To Break His Neck!

Add about 33 Mountains and if you find Ib, you can use the list below to get him off your back. Hope you had fun with the list! If you wish to contact me, you can hit me up at captainredzone@gmail.com with any comments or suggestions. As always thanks for the read and I will see you next week (at 3TF!!!) for another article!

Until next time,

This is your Captain speaking… We’re heading into the Red Zone!!!

1 Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician

1 Chancellor of the Forge

1 Dragon Fodder

1 Empty theWarrens

1 Goblin Marshal

1 Goblin Offensive

1 GoblinWarrens

1 Mogg Alarm

1 Mogg Infestation

1 Siege-Gang Commander

1 Warbreak Trumpeter

1 Arms Dealer

1 Boggart Shenanigans

1 Brightstone Ritual

1 Caterwauling Boggart

1 Flamestick Courier

1 Gempalm Incinerator

1 Goblin Assassin

1 Goblin Assault

1 Goblin Bomb

1 Goblin Bombardment

1 Goblin Burrows

1 Goblin Bushwhacker

1 GoblinCaves

1 Goblin Charbelcher

1 Goblin Chieftain

1 Goblin Chirurgeon

1 Goblin Gardener

1 Goblin Goon

1 Goblin Grenade

1 Goblin King

1 Goblin Lackey

1 Goblin Matron

1 Goblin Piledriver

1 Goblin Pyromancer

1 Goblin Razerunners

1 Goblin Recruiter

1 Goblin Replica

1 Goblin Ringleader

1 Goblin Ruinblaster

1 Goblin Scouts

1 Goblin Settler

1 Goblin Shrine

1 Goblin Sledder

1 Goblin War Strike

1 Goblin Warchief

1 Lightning Crafter

1 Mogg Raider

1 Mogg War Marshal

1 Moggcatcher

1 Quest for the Goblin Lord

1 Reckless One

1 Sarpadian Empires, Vol. VII

1 Skirk Fire Marshal

1 Skirk Prospector

1 Squee, Goblin Nabob

1 Tuktuk the Explorer

1 Warren Instigator

1 Crucible of Worlds

33 Mountain

1 Punishing Fire

1 Sword of Light and Shadow

1 Dust Bowl

1 Ghost Quarter

1 Tectonic Edge

1 Avatar of Slaughter

1 Skull of Orm

1 Buried Ruin

And with that, the Captain sets sail back to Three To The Face!!! Calvin’s Crossover Week partner is CommanderCast’s Imshan aka Sinis. You can see his side of the crossover by following this link.