This entry is part 5 of 24 in the series Unexpected Results

Sinfully composed by Brian aka ChaosMTG

Brothers and sisters, I come before you today to show you the true face of the devil. You may have heard talk of the evils of this so called “Magic: The Gathering.”

For a while now good, God fearing, people have dismissed it as “just a card game”, God have mercy on their souls. But they’ve too soon forgotten the bewitching powers of the occult!

Now, not only have these heathens been allowed to practice their witchcraft for almost twenty years now without divine retribution, but they have begun worshiping the false idols of their card demons!

They collect ninety-nine of their most vile and blasphemous spells to create an altar on which they summon their hellspawn gods. They call it “EDH” or “Commander” because they summon their Exalted Demon Heroes to command their divisions of Satan’s armies.

The faint of heart may wish to turn away, because what I’m about to show you is some of the most sacrilegious, vile, disgusting things the devil’s hands have created since he turned loose Pokemon and Harry Potter.

Now, if you dare risk it, turn your eyes toward this false god’s altar and the unholy desecration on which its foundation is set:

Ancient Tomb, Blood Crypt, Bloodstained Mire, Cathedral of War, Cavern of Souls, City of Shadows, City of Traitors, Dragonskull Summit, Forbidden Orchard, Ghost Quarter, Gods’ Eye, Gate to the Reikai, Graven Cairns, Hall of the Bandit Lord, Lake of the Dead, Lavaclaw Reaches, 4x Mountain, Rakdos Carnarium, Rix Maadi, Dungeon Palace, Shadowblood Ridge, Shinka, the Bloodsoaked Keep, Shizo, Death’s Storehouse, Spawning Pool, Stensia Bloodhall, Sulfurous Springs, 6x Swamp, Tainted Peak, Temple of the False God, Tomb of Urami, Unholy Citadel, Unholy Grotto

Blood Crypt; just look at this … thing:
“Where the dead serve as diversion, decor, and dessert.”
Diversion, decor, and dessert. Not only does this promote murder and cannibalism, but necrophilia!

Cathedral of War, Temple of the False God, and Forbidden Orchard these seek glorify all a good, God-loving, man should stand against! War against God, false idols, and forbidden fruit to lead the feeble minded away from the righteous path.

Ghost Quarter, Tomb of Urami, Unholy Citadel, and Unholy Grotto: Further unholy shrines upon which they plan to bring forth their minions of hell. Summoning their demons and zombies to feast on the just and righteous.

 

These demonspawn “Planeswalkers” don’t just prepare our world for the war on Heaven, but they plan on actively participating with their own dark magic.

Burnt Offering, Dark Ritual, Demonic Consultation, Hell Swarm, Murder, Sacrifice, Songs of the Damned, Spoils of Evil, Army of the Damned, Blasphemous Act, Bonfire of the Damned, Damnation, Demonfire, Demonic Collusion, Demonic Dread, Demonic Tutor, Hellfire, Into the Maw of Hell, Demonic Torment, Unholy Strength, Yoke of the Damned, Altar of Shadows, Implements of Sacrifice, Talisman of Indulgence

Burnt Offering, Dark Ritual, Murder, Sacrifice, Demonic Consultation, Demonic Collusion, Demonic Tutor, Altar of Shadows, and Impliments of Sacrifice: The sources of their unholy powers, they will sacrifice any just soul they find thinking it will advance the works of their dark lord.

Hell Swarm, Army of the Damned, Blasphemous Act, Bonfire of the Damned, Damnation, Demonfire, Demonic Dread, Hellfire, Into the Maw of Hell, Demonic torment, and Yoke of the Damned this is the magic Satan has granted these heathens in preparation for their war. They don’t just seek to kill you to raise the armies of Hell; the ones who die that way will be lucky. The others, the children, the ones you love, they’ll cast their souls into the deepest oceans hellfirefire with their blasphemous spells to suffer with the damned for the rest of eternity.

 

The demons and minions of hell they will call forth upon this world are beyond even my words, one needs only look at the names on this vulgar list, many too vile for me to even speak:

Apprentice Necromancer, Bloodgift Demon, Corpse Connoisseur, Corpse Harvester, Crypt Champion, Defiler of Souls, Demonic Hordes, Dread Slaver, Entrails Feaster, Ghosts of the Damned, Grave Defiler, Halo Hunter, Harvester of Souls, Hellcarver Demon, Helldozer, Hellfire Mongrel, Hellhole Flailer, Hellhole Rats, Hellrider, Hell’s Caretaker, Hell’s Thunder, Lord of the Undead, Lyzolda, the Blood Witch, Mikaeus, the Unhallowed, Pontiff of Blight, Priest of Gix, Priest of Urabrask, Ravenous Demon¬† Flip, Reaper from the Abyss, Skirsdag High Priest, Soulless One, Unbreathing Horde, Unliving Psychopath, Vengeful Dead, Woebringer Demon

Not all of these hellspawn plan to wage brutal wars, though; they also seek to corrupt and destroy us from within through all manner of sins. From greed and its archdemons that feast on human flesh, demanding sacrifice, to every form of lust. They seek to corrupt us and use sexuality to turn us away from the lord. The first of these lust-mongers is comparatively subtle in his necrophiliac homoeroticism; the Hellcarver Demon entices with promises of pleasure and power. The other goes by the name Liliana, an unholy sex icon spawned from the deepest nether regions of hell, she calls herself a “planeswalker”, much like the soul I saved from this altar called himself; in truth, she is the a high witch-preist,¬† a confidant of Satan himself.

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“Unholy sex icon spawned from the deepest nether regions of hell”

 

But who is the “Commander” of these ranks of the damned? Who are they really trying to summon? This man, their high priest, demonic summoner, herald of Satan’s war against us, and heretic of the highest order.

His name is Boris Devilboon. A name so evil it pains me to say. Not only is this “man” evil, just look at his name. Those of us who aren’t shown the mercy of death or eternal damnation will be left to toil for this communist’s works!
Stand with me, brothers, so that we may denounce these devil worshipers and stop their war against us before it begins!
“Magic: The Gathering” is just a stepping stone, the base on which this unholy knowledge is founded. Cast this “innocent” “card game” to the cleansing fires of God and let not your children succumb to the temptation of black magics lest you find them on the route to becoming one of Satan’s “planeswalkers”.

Series Navigation<< Unexpected Results 004 – Duel Deck Challenge Pt.1 – ROUND 1: FIGHT! (Choosing the Commanders) [aka The First Article Where I Don’t Mention Zur or Have More Than One Page While Unintentionally Competing with Nole in the Insanely Long Title Department by Adding This Bracketed Commentary]Unexpected Results 006 – Feed Your Addiction (or “Gaining Life for Fun and Profit”) [The Obligatory List of Cards Article] >>