378127_10150441621792624_1477312954_nIf you’ve been paying close attention to my articles and podcast appearances over the last several weeks, then you’re already aware that I’ve been helping my friend build his first ever, from-scratch EDH deck. After acquiring a metric f#%^load of trade fodder from me and a quick trip to the local gaming store, he was finally able to whip up a Erebos deck (see what I did there?).

In order to give his new Erebos deck a good test, I headed over to his place with my Prossh deck, along with something else I had quickly slapped together in order for his buddy to be able play a few multiplayer games with us.

I should have known better. You don’t bring a Norin the Wary deck to a table unless all bets are off and you’re ready to throw all reason and sense out the window.

What follows play-by-play of how a god and dragon had to desperately scramble to stop a coward from curb stomping them both.

I make running and hiding look goooooood.

I make running and hiding look goooooood.

(I am going to be giving the players who aren’t me fake names so that it’s easy to follow the game action without me spilling peoples identities all over the internet. For the sake of this game, my opponent’s are Napolean Bonaparte playing Norin and Mr. T playing Erebos. Enjoy that mental image!)

– The game starts with the customary nods, handshakes, and ceremonial dances that precede all EDH games. Then we rolled for first, ending with Napolean going first and me going last. Both of my opponents are playing with untested decks, while I brought in a finely tuned EDH death machine. So I’m not really allowed to whine about the turn order.

Some people prefer a river dance or moon walk, but I like to sart my games of with an All Blacks' style Haka.

Some people prefer a river dance or moon walk, but I like to sart my games of with an All Blacks’ style Haka.

– After a quick explanation of commander rules and partial pairs mulligans, Napolean casts a turn one Norin and passes. Which is basically what you would expect out of a Norin deck.

– After a Swamp and then pass from Mr. T, I cast a turn one Sol Ring. Mr. T starts to mildly panic at the sight of my one-drop artifact. I can’t imagine why.

– On turn two, Napolean casts a Wild Guess, discarding Squee, Goblin Nabob to its cost. I take a moment to admire the synergy, before I remember that I built it into the deck. I quickly try to remember what else I had hurriedly shoved into that thing.

Did I put in the Tundermaw Dragon? Or the Stormbreath one? Think, think, think...

Did I put in the Tundermaw Dragon? Or the Stormbreath one? Think, think, think…

– After a couple points of incidental life loss, I make a vow to never be score keeper for a multiplayer EDH game again. Between the damage and the article notes, this pen has been in my hand so much that I’m seriously considering permanently grafting it on.

– The next notable play is a one-two punch of Genesis Chamber and Goblin Welder from Napolean. Purphoros is smiling upon Norin this day, the mono-red deck is going off!

– Mr. T casts Mind Twist for two and throws it at my face instead of Napolean’s. When I point out that Norin is going off, he points out that my Prossh deck has repeatedly killed him in a single turn. I sigh and discard a land and my Damnation.

Damnation, that was my Damnation! Wait, am I punning now? FUUUUUUU-

Damnation, that was my Damnation! Wait, am I punning now? FUUUUUUU-

– On his next turn Mr. T taps four mana to cast a Braids, Cabal Minion before taking another look at Genesis Chamber, realizing that she would be as effectively damaging as a soft fart, and reconsidering. He opts to cast Erebos instead.

– It makes it around to my turn and Prossh, Skyraider of Kher makes his first appearance of the day! And look, he brought all his little friends with him!

– Apparently Purphoros really was smiling on Norin, because he decided to show up to the party. Now in addition to getting a new 1/1 token out of Genesis Chamber every turn, Napolean will also be dealing four damage to Mr. T and I. The mono-red deck is reeeeaaally going off.

– Mr. T casts Polluted Bonds and seems really, really excited to finally have that card on the field.

– With Mr. T and I reduced to 30 life in two turns, I conclude that Purphoros can’t stick around. I decide to embrace the Eric Bonvie method of permanent removal (if you want to get rid of a card, kill the player who cast it) by using a Furystoke Giant and tapping various kobolds and myrs to deal 18 damage to Napolean’s dome, then topping it off with a swing from Prossh. Call me Russia b!^&#, because you shouldn’t have started a war with me!

Yeah, you take your pony and mope your way back to France.

Yeah, you take your pony and mope your way back to France.

– Now with Mr. T and I at 26 life and Napolean sitting at 17, Things are very much on. Napolean spends five minutes on his sensei’s top trigger because he’s busy admiring the foil cards. Mr. T is vehement that we should start playing lands so he can finally get some use out of Polluted Bonds.

– On my next turn I play a Garruk Wildspeaker and sacrifice my Furystoke Giant to Prossh, getting a persist trigger and tapping for a bunch more damage. Down goes the frenchman, leaving myself at 22 life and Mr. T at 18 by the time Purphoros is finally gone. Phew.

– I attempt to swing my Prossh towards Mr. T’s mighty mohawk, but he ends up eating a Go For The Throat. Insert sad Eric noises here.

But, I just wanted to kill you with my dragon...

But, I just wanted to kill you with my dragon…

– Mr. T casts a Rune-Scarred Demon, tutoring for an unknown and likely troublesome card. My opponent getting an unconditional tutor when I am so close to victory makes me very sad in the pants.

– I decide that I will be a happier man if I never find out what Mr. T tutored for, so I ultimate my Garruk and swing for 45 trampling damage. Look kids, I stopped someone from casting a card! I’m playing control!

After a few more games Mr. T ended the day resolving to make his Erebos deck move a little faster, and with new found respect for the power of Norin (we played other games where he got to see Confusion in the Ranks in action). And I learned that Purphoros is a lot less cool when he’s under someone else’s control. Who knew?

When Eric isn’t playing children’s card games with historical figures and has-been celebrities, you can reach him at EricBonvie@gmail.com or at @ThatBonvieGuy on twitter.